A YEAR LATER

They say the first year anniversary of the death is the hardest, . . .not sure that it will ever get any easier when you've lost more than just a grandparent, but a mentor and a friend. Here is the eulogy that I spoke at my Pap's funeral service a year ago today. (WARNING: May cause tears and sadness. Kleenex is advised.)

"How do we say good bye? The word sounds so final. So ever-lasting, so cold, so bitter, and so sad. No one is ever happy when they have to say good-bye and I definitely don’t want to ever use that word again.

Pap, I don’t know if you will ever know how many people you touched with your warmth, smile, humor and generosity. For being an only child, you were the most selfless person that I have ever known. I am so blessed to have been apart of your life. As the first grandchild out of seven, you always made me feel special. You always believed in me when no one else did. You might not have always understood the decisions I chose to make in my life, but you always encouraged me to follow my dreams. You had this faith in me that I didn’t even have in myself. You were not only my Pap, but you were my friend. You are the reason I am so blessed creatively. I will never forget coloring on these huge sheets of colored paper that you would bring home from your work. Scribbling what most would see as a mess, you always saw my masterpiece when others couldn’t. I remember countless hours around the kitchen table as I was older having discussions about life.

They say it’s the “little things” in life that mean so much and you definitely have made me a  believer. I am very fortunate to remember the little things that you did. From playing outside in your backyard, singing Whitney Houston in your living room as a child, to watching fireworks in Dormont, to YaYas, to Kennywood, to our family trips to Primantis, playing dominos, visiting us in FL and going to Epcot, to singing your favorite Nat King Cole songs, Steeler games, your secret “candy” closet stuff packed with Dots & Milk Duds, your love of Yosemite Sam. And in fashion school, I will never forget your help completing my final project. Your laugh is what I will truly miss the most. You were always so full of love & life. I vow to live my life with more love & compassion like you did.

If there was an award for the Best Father, you would be the Lifetime Achievement award winner. You raised 3 great children who learned so much from you. Thank you for giving me an amazing mother who has so much of your personality & compassion. Being around her, always reminds me of you. She has your fun-spirit, crazy sense of humor, and love of life. And I can’t thank you enough. You always cried when we would be at a family function because you would always say that you thank god for giving you an amazing family. Well, guess what Pap, we are grateful for having you. You are the perfect example of what every girl wants in a husband, father, and grandfather.

I am definitely in admiration of the love story that you shared with my grandmother. I remember listening to you talk about how you met, how she was the most beautiful woman, and how you did anything it took to make her happy. When she was undergoing surgery, years ago, you told me that you loved her more today than you did the day you got married. And how you didn’t know what you’d do if she didn’t make it through. It was in that moment I began to understand the meaning of “love” and how much you were devoted to her. Your love story is one that will never be forgotten. Your unconditional love gives me hope that I will find someone to love me the way you loved grandma.

In the last two years, it was the most heart-wrenching thing to see you suffer from this illness. You were so strong, so optimistic, so willing to beat it. I have you to thank for giving me the strength. You showed no fear as the days got worse because your relationship with God was so strong. I know he will guide you to a better place where you can share your warmth, smile, humor, and generosity with all the angels in heaven.

I know that you will always be in my heart and watching over me in my life. I want you to know that every time I see the color orange, I will smile for you, knowing that was your favorite color. Orange is a perfect representation of you. The color orange symbolizes warmth, thoughtfulness, and creativity.

So, how do we say goodbye? I don’t think I can. I will say rest in peace and until we meet again Pap, because I know that we will. You will always be the most important MAN in my life. Thank you for loving me."